Breaking News

[Cory]

This EBWF.net Fanniversary exclusive is brought to you by RNN: the Randy News Network.

The camera flashed to a fancy rotating 3D logo that said RNN: Randy News Network in big red lettering across the center of the screen. While the logo continued to rotate around, the backdrop faded into Randy Orton sitting at a makeshift news desk with the RNN logo in front. Wearing an old school NWO-style RKO t-shirt, Randy idly picked up a stack of papers and patted them against the table to straighten them, and set them in front of him.

Randy Orton: Hello, EBWF Universe. My name is Randy Orton and this is RNN: the Randy News Network. For those who are asking...

Randy looked down at the stack of papers in front of him.

Randy Orton: This is not a script of my promo, I'm definitely making this up as I go along. As most of you know, this is Fanniversary weekend. This entire week wrestlers of EBWF will descend upon St. Louis, Missouri. My home town, and the hometown of the future 2020 World Series Champions, the St. Louis Cardinals. The entire city is abuzz as EBWF comes home and gives fans an unbelievable amount of access to the talent. Champions get to stay in town at the swankiest, most bourgie rooms at the STL Union Station hotel downtown. The rest of the talent stay in dinky small rooms like plebs. With that being said, lets get into some breaking news.

A big BREAKING NEWS logo flashed on the screen, emblazoned with the RNN symbol next to it. Randy arched an eyebrow at the camera.

Randy Orton: Spared no expense with the special effects this time. Apparently people liked this?

He shrugged indifferently.

Randy Orton: The breaking news today is that RANDY ORTON HAS A STANDARD HOTEL ROOM.

Randy looked around with a nonplussed expression on his normally inanimate features. His arms outstretched, he mouthed 'How is that fair?'

Randy Orton: I may not be a champion, but my record for the longest EBWF World Champion in history still stands to this day. So how am I not in the penthouse of Union Station? That's a rhetorical question. The reality is that this business is very much a 'What have you done for me lately' type of business. Somehow, this company has put itself in a position where it is relying on Aiden English to carry it into the next era. How pathetic has wrestling become when that's a thing?

Randy shook his head, greatly disappointed.

Randy Orton: In other news, after my time signing autographs with the fans who spend the most money, and then seeing if I'm lucky enough to get invited to dinner with my beautiful wife, I'm going to go to Fanniversary and have a match for the Gateway Championship. Surely, an opportunity to correct the problem of EBWF incorrectly booking me for a standard room this week. More so, an opportunity at a championship title that I can then parlay into a shot at the big one. The EBWF World Championship. There's this adorable sentiment amongst several EBWF wrestlers where they seem to think that defending the Gateway Championship is a ticket to establishing an identity for yourself, since so many people choose to cash in the title.

Randy smirked.

Randy Orton: Breaking news. That's a mentality for losers. If you're not here for the World Championship, you shouldn't be here. I want to tell you that at least that's one thing I can give Tommy End credit for, but I honestly can't. By the way, for those of you who think I am just mashing two words together to invent the name of a wrestler, the truth is Tommy End is a real person. Tommy End took some time out of reading slam poetry at UrbArts to show up at Fanniversary and give us all a glimpse at what it's like to be "Legion".

Randy used the air quotes, and then immediately the regret showed in his facial features.

Randy Orton: The EBWF has given air time to Legion, to Tommy End, to these miserable agents of averageness that wouldn't hold my bags in any other company in the world. That's the real tragedy of 2019. That we continue to allow these milquetoast fools to run around and play pretend wrestler, and make them think they are worry of carrying a strap in this business. Tommy End is the epitome of blandness, a 3D printing of every tatted up hipster with a high shave and a gold membership at Starbucks. This is what we're allowing to be relevant nowadays?

He shook his head again, rubbing his temples.

Randy Orton: Apologies to the hundreds of EBWF fans watching this. This episode of RNN has turned into a "What Grinds My Gears" show. I digress. The Gateway Championship has solidified its place in the EBWF rotation. It's a pathway to a title that a man like me arguably doesn't need. I don't know if a lot of you know this, but I'm a pretty big deal around here. I am the best wrestler this company has ever seen, and Edge and I proved that last week when we ended the hopes of a freeloading Warfare audience from seeing us throw down. I was fully content in allowing younger folks cut their teeth on the Gateway Championship and earn their way to bigger things. But it doesn't seem that that's the case anymore. Tommy End has been boring EBWF fans for what seems like an eternity, and since he can't hack it getting to the World Championship by any other means, he thinks he's going to be able to backdoor his way into a title shot by winning the Gateway title.

Randy picked up the stack of papers in front of him and tapped them against the table again.

Randy Orton: Well, I have some newly breaking news for everyone in the EBWF, and especially the Legion, a group of gentrification enthusiasts who would otherwise be chilling at a cat cafe if they weren't preparing for their match at Fanniversary. It will be a cold day in Hell before I let some moribund fool like Tommy End insult the EBWF by having an opportunity to challenge for the EBWF World Championship by way of the Gateway Championship. I respect this company too much. The people that run it? Not so much. But their incompetence is not the fault of the fans, and the fans deserve better than to have to sit through Tommy End stopping a match midway through the bout to get a sip of his PSL. No one wants to see that. And I, as the sole purveyor of news in EBWF, will not let that happen. It is a matter of journalistic integrity.

Randy smirked and gave a faint shrug.

Randy Orton: Or maybe I couldn't possibly care less about Legion and I just want the title for myself. That's all we have today, now as we sign off, I am going to draw a picture of myself watching a Tommy End match.

Generic news background music began playing as the camera slowly zoomed in on Randy scribbling a messy picture of a stick figure hanging itself as the scene faded to the RNN logo.