BROKEN Matt Hardy: Welcome one and all to the sands of TIME and SPACE on thiiiis the day known as Threeeee Sixteeeeeen. It is a SPESHUL occasion in the minds of many. Those of you who focus on Broken Skulls howEVER are missing out on a whole UNIVERSE of BROKEN Brilliance
Hardy spreads his arms out wide and laughs maniacally "HOHO YESSSSSS"
BROKEN Matt Hardy: You see instead of the past we need to see the FUUUUUUUW-CHA. Luckily for everyone who embraces the wonder of the Broken Universe and BELIEVEEES I am able to SEE into that which to come and give everyone EEEEnsight into the outcome of tonight's EXTRAVAGANZA. There are 14 Miiiiiiiiiiillion outcomes to the tag team contest. Across the multiverse I team with many DEEEEFFERENT warriors. Sometimes it is Brother Nero. Sometimes I am alone. There is even an unSPEEEEakble world where I merge with the LEEEEEGION. This cannot be the way my saga conTiiiinues. In over 4 miiiiiillion of the possible outcomes my Broken Briiiiiliance is DESTROYED by James with A Flame Inside and Braaaun the Straw Man. In a further 7 millllllllion the HUUUUUUUGE Redwood. I AM ROWAN and his small rodent friend are SUCCESSFUL. This CANNOT be allowed to happen. The small rodent known as Leon Rushiford has a mouth TOO big for his breeetches. Such a victory would cause his bragging to be UNBEARABLE & in twenty nine of the 14 Miiiiiiilion outcomes this leads to DEVASTATION and even the End times. A full blown Apocalypse. Though these odds are small it CANNOT be risked. I must choose a partner who will allow me to be successful. For far too long I found myself going in and out of the many portals here at the sands of time and space. I eeeven replaced Skarsgard FORTY THREE times. Sand and an already dilapidated boat are a KILLER combination. After much searching I have finally discovered a warrior who, combined with my Broken Brilliance can be successful in overcoming the GAUNTLET of INFINITY. Not just a warrior but a former slayer of the Monster Straw Man. Ladies, GENTLEmen and beings on either side and inbetween the GENDERS of male and FEmale I present Tom-ass of Champ-EONS
Matt Hardy steps out of the way of the camera & Tomasso Ciampa reluctantly steps forward. He is dressed in gold tights, black boots, a gold knee braces. His right hand and wrist are taped up & he looks ready for a fight, though his aggression could easily be towards his new tag partner
Tomasso Ciampa: I'm not doing this Matt. This is beyond dumb, I'm supposed to be a serious wrestler. How am I ever going to get anywhere in this business by partnering with you?
Matt raises a hand in Ciampa's face
BROKEN Matt: I have already told you Thomas of Champ-EONS it is your DESTINY and mine. Besides it has been DECREED by Wesley IkEEEEEEEEda. More importantly - in five miiiiiiiiliion of the possible outcomes Brother Keith and his faithful partner damn the world to purgatory for another long team tag title reign. The universe cannot bear another ETERNITY of darkness under the KO which is Rated with the letter R. You MUST accept this burden for with it comes POWER beyond your wildest EEEE-magination.
Ciampa tugs at his beard and lets out a sigh of exasperation
Ciampa: Ok. Matt. Granted, there are worse people I could be teamed with. You test my patience but I want to hurt you less than majority of the roster. I guess?
Ciampa stretches his hand out for Hardy to shake it. Hardy grabs it and pulls Ciampa into an embrace. Ciampa tries to break away but Hardy clings tighter & rest his head on Ciampa's shoulder. Ciampa looks livid. He pats Matt on the back a couple of times trying to break the embrace but Hardy does not take the hint.
Time passes.
It gets awkward.
Then very awkward
Then very very awkward.
After what seems like forever Matt breaks the embraces. Ciampa storms away from Hardy. Ciampa looks ready to kill. He paces for a few seconds
BROKEN Matt: Thank you DADDY
Ciampa swiftly gets in the face of Hardy
Ciampa: NEVER call me Daddy. There are precious few people in this world who can call me that and you're about as far away from being on that list as it's possible to be.
Matt stares back blankly for a moment then breaks the silence with a "YESSSSSS"
BROKEN Matt: There he is. People said we had lost him forever. I have AWOKEN your Blackheart. The Psycho KEEEEELER. The Si-cEEElian Psychopath has been raised from the dead. Father Ciampa
Ciampa tries to remain angry. He shakes his head, lowers it into his hands. When his head pops back up he is wearing a reluctant smile.
Ciampa: I can't stress this enough. I really, really do not like you. You're the sort of wrestlecrap I spent my whole career trying to avoid. But.
Ciampa puts a tightly clenched fist to his mouth, lowers it and sighs.
Ciampa: But, God damn it, I guess you've -
Ciampa bends his head back and looks to the heavens, hating himself for what he is about to say
Ciampa: You make a good point, I do... you are.. you talked me round. You've sold me. Partners it is.
BROKEN Matt: WONDERFUL! To mark this momentous occasion and this UNEE-ON in the time HONORED tradeeetion I would suggest the drinking of ale and the pillaging of a local villAAAAge but time is short so another embrace is in ORDER
Ciampa takes a large stride backwards putting an end to Hardy's nonsense.
Ciampa: Not happening. Not again. Not ever.
BROKEN Matt: Not until our momentous VIIIIIctory you mean Dad.... Father Ciampa
Ciampa shakes his head and Hardy looks dejected.
Ciampa: What IS going to happen is the victory you predicted Matt Hardy
BROKEN Matt: The One in fourteen miiiiiiillion victory?
Ciampa: Yes, that one. Daddy Ciampa and... "even more Broken than I ever realized" Matt Hardy are going to walk away with one in the W column.
BROKEN Matt: HAHAHA YESSSSS
Ciampa: We both seen our share of action against every single one of those morons we are in the match with - granted, I've never faced Rowan but I can't deny it, you hit then nail on the head on that one - he really is a big dumb tree, primed to be chopped down. I mean, he kicked the hell out of you the other week but - eh, it seems I've got your back now so there'll be no repeats there, right? Strowman, I squared off with so much I pretty much know him step for step, he charges, I outsmart him. Yadda yadda. Havoc? Well, he is more bothered about adding fuel to some twitter beef.
BROKEN Matt: YESSSSS. Say hello to SENIOR Robert for me while you're speaking with him James with A Flame Inside. Do not forget to SPEAK UP as he is deaf from being a frail old man. Or perhaps you should leave that to the Vermin? Our rodent friend Leon Rushiford used to frequent the same rat run as the old codger, did he not? Regardless VICTORY is assured - we have a one in fourteen MILLLION chance of success - the odds in our favor are beyond BELIEF.
Throughout Matt's speech Ciampa has been staring in disbelief and shaking his head disapprovingly.
Ciampa: How can you argue with that sort of logic?
BROKEN Matt: You CANNOT Father Tom-ass
Ciampa lets out a single chuckle then quickly composes himself.
Ciampa: 14 million to one might be around the odds someone would put on Ciampa and Hardy walking away victorious but you know what? This wrestling game is unpredictable and, I don't think you get much more unpredictable than this fruit loop
Ciampa indicates Hardy with his thumb
Ciampa: Fact is Randy, Edge, Havoc, Strowman, Rush or Rowan. You're all going to be consumed by the chaos that is that mad bastard and destroyed by the vengeance this ugly bastard owes you. Come Warfare...
BROKEN Matt: After I DELETE you...
Ciampa: No one will survive
Ciampa looks mortified that Hardy's interruption made sense. He quietly says "let's go" to Matt. The background fades to reveal a green screen and the two men walk out of the scene