Rated RNN

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Cory
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Rated RNN

Post by Cory »

EBWF.net Exclusive

The screen flashed with a BREAKING NEWS graphic with the bottom right corner showing three letters: RNN. Once the animation completed, it opened up to Randy Orton sitting behind what appeared to be a pretty standard wrestling-guy-goes-through-it table, with a piece of paper taped to the front that had RANDY NEWS NETWORK hastily written in permanent marker.

Randy Orton: Good evening EBWF universe. My name... is Randy Orton. Tonight I have a special guest with me since I'm being told I have to wrestle with him tonight. Sitting several feet to my left due to social distancing is Edge.

The camera zoomed out to show the other side of the table where Edge sat.

Edge: HAVE to wrestle with me tonight? More like GET to wrestle with me tonight. ITS A TAG TEAM GAUNTLET MATCH BAH GAWD!

Randy Orton: I was going to build to the big reveal, but you just gave it away at the start of this seg, cool. Yes folks, tonight Rated RKO is making its long anticipated return in one of the most bizarre match gimmicks in the history of wrestling. I have to be honest with you, Edge, I didn't even know there were five tag teams in EBWF right now.

Edge: There are! I think a couple might be haphazardly thrown together. I see the Beast and Bastard are back from the dead. Before we get to them, I do have a point of inquiry…

Randy Orton: Shoot.

Edge: How do we tag for this? We’re not supposed to be shaking hands or anything. Raised eyebrow? Subtle nod. Tap elbow pads? Do you have elbow pads?

Randy Orton: Would you wear elbow pads if you have beautiful arms like mine?

Edge: Point taken. Okay, new tag strategy. Orange Cassidy toe tap.

Randy Orton: I like that idea, or they could just leave a large pump bottle of purell at each corner. That would work, right?

Edge: Dust off your company credit card, Randy. We’re paying $1500 each for all the hand sanitizer on EBay. Courtesy of the boss man himself!

Randy Orton: There's not enough hand sanitizer on the planet for me to be comfortable in the ring with Erick Rowan's beard.

Edge: Or Matt Hardy’s… well, let’s just be honest… Matt Hardy.

Edge shrugged.

Edge: Is there going to be a crowd at this thing? Is WES even going to be at this thing? Or is he self quarantined at his commune with his hot Canadian wife and their 47 cats?

Randy Orton: We could only be so lucky. No, I'm sure he'll be there making sure the average joe backstage people are safe, because he cares about that stuff I guess. I'm looking over this match and the participants, and I have to tell you that COVID-19 is the least of my concerns.

Edge: Is it? I’m thinking Jimmy Havoc has got to be infected.

Randy Orton: Oh, for sure. But I think I'm more concerned about Hepatitis.

Edge: And probably herpes. Probably. Alright, partner. Who we got here? 4 other teams. Let’s see if I’ve heard of ‘em.

Randy looked down at a piece of paper in front of him.

Randy Orton: Uh, let's see here. We've got The Miz and The Rock. Two of the biggest names in pro-wrestling and somehow also the least interesting team on this list.

Edge: How… just… what is… I mean, I know he isn’t going to be in Fast 9, but was Dwayne really out of Jumanji money? Enough that he has to come back and team with The Miz?

Randy Orton: When you combine them, they have, like, 15 terrible movie sequels between them. Maybe that's the link?

Edge: They both have an unnecessary article before their name?

Edge looked into the camera.

Edge: An article, Lio, is a word that is used to define a noun.

Randy sneered at Edge who feigned surprise.

Edge: What? I know things!

Randy Orton: We know you don't learn shapes until next year Lio, so Edge thought he might give you a preview of some things you might need to know later on. Your tag team partner...

Randy looked back down at the card.

Randy Orton: Erick Rowan, doesn't seem like the kind of guy that's going to be a serviceable tutor for you.

Edge: Which one is Erick Rowan? I always get him and Luke Harper confused. Is he the bald one or the balding one?

Randy Orton: He's the one that looks like if Arkansas was a person.

Edge: If Gonorrhea had a face?

Randy Orton: If Paul Wight was born in a swamp.

Edge: Ah, I know the one of which you speak? Why the hell is he hanging around with Lio Rush?

Randy Orton: None of these pairings make sense. I mean, we didn't really make sense when we first started out, but these teams really don't make sense. Matt Hardy and Tomasso Ciampa seems like... OK hang on, what is UP with all of these ridiculous beards?!

Edge: Is this lowkey commentary on MY beard? I mean, I know you’re usually pretty direct, but…

Randy Orton: I didn't want to mention the gray in it, but if you're going to force my hand. No, I mean the beards in this match that look like the lawn of an abandoned house. Tomasso, Erick, Braun Strowman, if a bird doesn't fly out of one of them tonight I'm going to be shocked.

Edge: I’m told it’s distinguished, ya know? Honestly though, if a bird flies out of one of those beards, at least that’d take care of Matt Hardy. He’d probably think it was a sign from the exalted one and follow it right into the rafters.

Randy Orton: I'm still trying to figure out what universe where Matt Hardy was a concern anyway. I mean am I taking crazy pills?! We're the only tag team with a name in this stupid thing.

Edge: And The Rock and Miz have names that make more sense on their own than together!

Edge laughed.

Edge: Oh man. Oh man. Randy, what are we going to do? We’re going to win the god damn tag championships again. Do you have room in your bag for a second title?

Randy Orton: Oh for sure. To be honest, sometimes I forget the first one and so I'll have plenty of space. Are they going to let us defend them this time or are we going to carry them through 2023?

Edge: I mean there’s gonna be at least 4 other teams until next week, so maybe we can defend ‘em next week on Warfare. We’ve barely mentioned Jimmy Havoc.

Randy Orton: Oh yeah. I heard he uses eyeliner. That's neat. Anyway, The Rock is in this match for some reason. What should our strategy be for the most electrifying 47 year old in wrestl---

Randy looked at his tag team partner.

Randy Orton: Nevermind.

Edge: You’re lucky I carry you’re boring as, you know that, Randy Borton?

Randy Orton: Headlock.

Edge: Yeah, that should do it. That’ll work on Braun Strowman.

Edge shook his head and then broke out into a grin.

Edge: I don’t know if we’re the good guys or the bad guys in this thing, but I’ve got a feeling that the basement living keyboard warriors will find a way to hate on us either way.

Randy Orton: Clearly we're in this match to give this terribly thrown together hodge podge of nonsense any credibility whatsoever. Braun Strowman and Jimmy Havoc as a team is one of those pairings that you think makes sense until you think about it. 'Oh, Jimmy Havoc is this awkward, lanky nerd and Strowman is his heavy.' That kind of makes sense until you realize that neither of them are actually very good at all.

Edge: And it explains why they aren’t billed as The Bastard and the Beast. Because literally everyone wouldn’t remember who that was.

Randy Orton: Also, imagine Mauro Ranallo having to say that every week. I think I would smash my television after three weeks.

Edge: In a tale as old as time, ladies and gentlemen, here come The Bastard and the Beast!

Randy shuddered.

Randy Orton: I hate you for putting that into the universe. Well...

Randy peered down at his notes and started putting checks down next to every name on the card.

Randy Orton: I feel like we covered our opponents, so I guess we could talk about one of the other promoted segments on the show. Want to cut a promo on Trish?

Randy glanced over at Edge with a smirk.

Edge: Nope. I laid down some nice breadcrumbs for you to bury Wes, and you complimented him for caring about his employees. So, I’m not going to play along with you either.

Randy Orton: You're a dick, Edge. Besides, burying Wes six feet under is something I've made a living off of.

Edge: And made him sign the paychecks, ya crazy bastard. Okay, here’s what I’ll say about Trish Stratus…

Randy leaned forward to listen close.

Edge: She’s best friends with Wes’ hot Canadian wife.

Randy rolled his eyes.

Edge: Ready to wrap this up, bud?

Randy nodded and looked into the camera.

Randy Orton: I want to thank my tag team partner and future 6-time tag team champion, Edge for being here tonight, despite being part of the demographic critically vulnerable to the coronavirus.

Edge gave a dismayed, guttural sigh but otherwise said nothing.

Randy Orton: From myself, from Edge, from the best tag team in the history of this company and the only two wrestlers on Warfare tonight with any shred of dignity left. From all of us at this $15 table, I want to say good night, stay safe, and don't ever touch me.

The Randy News Network music played as the camera zoomed away from Randy as he stacked the one piece of paper that he had at the table and Edge waved at the camera. The scene faded to the EBWF.net logo.
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