Breaking News

[Cory]

BREAKING NEWS

A flashing breaking news graphic blasted across the screen. It faded into the RNN - Randy News Network logo before cutting into a camera slowly rotating around yet another cheaply put together table with a plastic table cover. Randy sat in the center of the table, stacking a pile of blank sheets of paper and placing a pen on top of them.

Randy Orton: We interrupt whatever the hell was coming on before me to bring you this breaking news. We have just learned a shocking development in the Gateway Championship division. Randy Orton, the greatest wrestler of all time, will be participating in the Gateway Championship match at Wrestlemania. In a match guaranteed to get people to ask ... "Why?", The Miz, Tomasso Ciampa, Jimmy Havoc, and an incredibly talented opponent will battle it out for a shot at the EBWF Gateway Championship. Yes, as it turns out, the Miz is getting yet another shot at being relevant. Much like myself.

Randy shrugged.

Randy Orton: In a related story, the Miz announced that one of his primary goals in this match is to prevent me from becoming the Gateway Champion and adding it to my list of accolades, claiming that I'm boring and irritating, and my 'act' with Edge is "tired". This coming from a guy who's in a tag team with The Rock. A tag team we beat, mind you. Oh, and regarding the Miz's goal of preventing me from becoming Gateway Champion, I have some more breaking news.

Randy reached down and grabbed the EBWF Tag Team title belt and dropped it onto the table in the upright position with a thud. He then reached back down again, without taking his eye off the camera, and brought the EBWF Gateway Championship title belt and dropped it down with a similar thud. He shrugged, an eyebrow sharply raised.

Randy Orton: What can I say, Miz? Your mission failed, I guess. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, primarily because that is someone else's gimmick, but I've already reached the success circle. In fact, I've been doing laps around it while you've been cutting checks to the Rock to keep making you look interesting. You tried to beat Rated RKO for the tag team titles and you failed. I guess you tried to stop me from becoming Gateway Champion, but you failed that months ago. It seems like you've been failing for longer than I've been aware that you've been trying. Better luck next time.

Randy turned slightly in his chair to look into another camera that the broadcast immediately switched to. He really spared no expense here.

Randy Orton: Speaking of perpetual failure, that brings me to Jimmy Havoc. A guy that looks like a Hot Topic exploded on a Computer Science major. Jimmy Havoc has really reinvented himself. From a guy who looks like an out of shape slam poetry enthusiast, to an out of shape slam poetry enthusiast that hates Wes Ikeda a lot. Relax, Jimmy. Everyone hates Wes Ikeda. That's kind of his thing. Perhaps you can partner up with Tomasso Ciampa to share the best tips in playing the 'social reject' bit. That seems to be pretty popular amongst middling agents of averageness in the world of professional wrestling.

Randy turned back towards yet another camera shooting him from his left. He faced the camera dramatically.

Randy Orton: Ladies and Gentlemen of the EBWF Universe, I am YOUR Gateway Champion. I am here to break up the endless parade of pretentious idiots that you are forced to watch on a weekly basis. A non-stop display of men and women desperately searching for a personality that they think will ingratiate them with you so that they can sell you t-shirts, hats, stickers, and hoodies. That's what separates me from the rest of these bumbling dipshits, and the reason that the great fans of the EBWF are already buying my t-shirts and hoodies. It all boils down to a simple concept.

He smirked as he picked up the Gateway Championship belt, unsnapped the fasteners, and draped the title over his shoulder.

Randy Orton: I am truly and honestly not interested in you, whatsoever. That's what makes you like me so much. You see, guys like the Miz who desperately cling to an older generation of Attitude era alumni in order to connect with the crowd, they're as transparent as plate glass. There's no mystery to solve, he's trying to squeeze the reactions out of a dispassionate and indifferent crowd. No one really cares about The Miz. People don't know what to think about Jimmy Havoc and Tomasso Ciampa, because they can't decide who they are. The Miz knows who he is. He is a boring, milquetoast, white bread wrestler that I couldn't pick out of a damn lineup if my life depended on it. That's why he surrounds himself with people with a thousand times the charisma and personality. The bottom line is that all of my competitors for the EBWF Gateway Championship are scrambling about trying to compensate for either a lack of a personality or a inability to connect with fans. And that's why I'm going to walk right back out of Wrestlemania with MY Gateway Championship. I. Don't. Care. About. You. It's the reason I won the title in the first place, and it's the reason why I'll defend it successfully tonight. My focus has never been on my personality, or how to market myself, or what I'm going to wear to the ring. And that fact infuriates a lot of people. Clearly it annoys the Miz, who just can't comprehend the sad fact that he will never be better than me. It also annoys the front office, because I keep making fun of them and they keep booking me for matches. Despite the fact that I couldn't care any less about making this company money, or connecting with the fans, or even putting on a great show, people still pay to see me because I am the best. At my laziest, I still set the bar in this company and that pisses you all off to no end.

Randy shrugged with that shit eating grin on his face.

Randy Orton: My name is Randy Orton. That's a line you've heard a thousand times over. My opponents are bored of it. They're bored of my wrestling. They're bored of me. They hate the fact that I'm here, taking a spot from a younger wrestler. But until someone walks up to me and takes it from me, I will be here to irritate and confound all of you until the day you retire. I am Randy Orton, and like the world's most frustrating internet troll, I promise you I am never going away.

Randy stood up from his chair and picked up his Tag Title belt, hoisting it over the free shoulder that does not have the Gateway Championship around it. With a trademark smile, he walked off the set as it faded to the RNN - Randy News Network logo.