Randy Orton: Ugh, Portland, Oregon.
Randy’s knuckles tightened around the steering wheel as he spoke to Adam in the passenger seat.
Adam Copeland: Where you walk outside and the air is water.
Randy Orton: Was that a humidity joke?
Adam Copeland: Yeah. Wanna make something of it?
Randy Orton: No. No. Just… feel like I don’t know you sometimes.
Adam laughed, which made Randy laugh.
Adam Copeland: Just trying to keep my mind off the damn match tonight.
Randy Orton: That seems counter intuitive.
Adam Copeland: I’m just so fucking over Mike Mizanin, Randy.
Randy chuckled even though he knew that Adam was serious.
Randy Orton: He has been something of a gnat for… years. Literal years.
Adam Copeland: I’m not really an emotional guy…
Randy Orton: …who you?
Adam Copeland: …and I’m really not sentimental.
Randy Orton: You’re kidding!
Randy chuckled as he teased him.
Adam Copeland: But it’s like, he wants to be friendly. He wants to get in the inner circle, and then he makes an absolute ass out of himself. Over and over.
Randy Orton: I told Wes. I told him. Mike’s a cockroach, man. He’ll be here wrestling long after we’re dead, and he won’t have a friend in the world while he’s doing it.
Adam Copeland: Yeah, well, I kind of feel like an idiot because I really thought he’d turned over a new leaf.
Randy Orton: I can see how you’d think a good relationship would have done that to him.
Adam Copeland: Yeah, well she’s insane and that seems like a pretty damn toxic relationship if you ask me.
Randy Orton: So this is what it’s come to? We’re performing a post mortem on the love story of Miz and Mickie because we’re that damn bored of talking about the Miz.
Adam Copeland: Every year at this time we have to talk about the Miz, and it’s not because he’s good Randy. It’s because he’s styrofoam. You throw him out with the trash, but he never goes away. No matter what you do, no matter how far you bury him. He’s just there. Getting on your nerves, beating the same drum he’s being beating for what feels like 20 years.
Randy Orton: Isn’t this a Triple Threat Match?
Adam Copeland: Yeah, and get this. Our third? Grado.
Randy Orton: He still works here?
Adam Copeland: Yep.
Randy Orton: I mean, I know the Ikedas have money, but they’re actually paying Madonna for ‘Like a Prayer’?
Adam Copeland: I’m impressed you know that.
Randy Orton: You can’t be married to Nicole and not know that.
Adam Copeland: I was actually hoping you could do me a favor.
Randy Orton: Yeah, of course.
Adam Copeland: You don’t even know what it is.
Randy Orton: I’ll probably still say yes.
Adam Copeland: Could you… ya know… maybe, take care of Grado before the match even starts? I gotta figure the crowd is tired of triple threat matches, and there isn’t a person in the arena who is sitting there because they want to see Grado, so I was hoping, ya know…
Adam clicked his tongue and made a fist.
Randy Orton: Okay, I’ll punt him.
Adam Copeland: No! God, Jesus, no! I just… RKO him or something. Don’t punt him. We don’t need another Paul London. We don’t need Grado walking around thinking he’s from space.
Randy chuckled.
Randy Orton: Yet another excellent bit brought to you by Randy Orton. You are welcome.
The highway stretched out before them. The GPS showed they still had over 20 minutes before they’d arrive at the arena. Edge reached into the center console and grabbed his water bottle, unscrewing the drink and taking a long drink.
Adam Copeland: After my win tonight, I’m going to need this to be scotch.
Randy Orton: I’ll talk to Nat and get us on the plane on the way home tonight. Plenty of scotch there.
Adam Copeland: Oh man, it’d be nice to not have to sleep in a hotel bed and fly commercial. We’re all out here playing checkers, and Wes Ikeda’s playing chess.
Randy Orton: Yep, but don’t you ever say that where he can hear you. We don’t want him thinking he’s too smart. Trish decided not to come?
Adam shook his head.
Adam Copeland: No. Didn’t you hear? Shane Helms is on the card tonight. Coming out of retirement for one more throw away match against God knows who. I could look it up if I wanted, but I don’t care.
Randy Orton: Maybe Grado’s double booked.
Adam Copeland: Damnit, Randy! Stop it. I’m trying to be depressed here.
Randy Orton: What’s Shane wrestling tonight have to do with Trish not being here.
Adam Copeland: She’s home with Teagan. She’s 11. Not quite done with her school assignments for the year, so they decided not to come along.
Trish’s marriage to Shane Helms was always a weird point of contention between her and Adam. Helms had been a good friend of both Adam and Jay Reso, so it had seemed really odd that when Trish and Adam hadn’t worked out, she’d decided to shack up with Helms. It had ended ages ago though. Adam didn’t know why he still let it get under his skin. He figured he couldn’t be too mad about it. The marriage had produced Teagan, and she was a pretty special little girl.
Randy Orton: Well, I feel like you’re probably not depressed about them not being along for the trip, so…
Randy wouldn’t ask if Adam wanted to talk about it. They didn’t do that. Adam talked when he wanted to. Randy talked when he wanted to.
Adam Copeland: Is this what it’s come to?
Randy raised an eyebrow, but didn’t try to guess what it was Adam was talking about.
Adam Copeland: Another damn match against the Miz.
Randy relaxed a little.
Randy Orton: We’ve both had a lot of them.
Adam Copeland: I just don’t have another damn thing to say about him. I’m creatively tapped out on the Miz. I could say the same old shit, but it’s nothing new. Everyone knows he’s an egomaniac. Everyone knows he’s self important. Everyone knows he’s not half the wrestler he thinks he is. How he managed to pull Mickie James into his delusions I’ll never understand.
Randy Orton: You beat him, you’ll probably get to Helms.
Adam Copeland: That sounds like exactly the kind of dumb shit that Wes would book, doesn’t it? Give the message boards something to feel all smarky about.
Randy Orton: Twitter.
Adam Copeland: What?
Randy Orton: Twitter. They get smarky on Twitter. No one uses message boards anymore.
Adam Copeland: Not even for…
Randy Orton: Nope, they do it all by video now.
Adam Copeland: Just a bunch of gross incel slobs with high pitched voices cutting promos in their parent’s basements. That’s efedding now?
Randy Orton: Why does this feel so meta all of a sudden?
Adam Copeland: Because it’s a dying art form, just like real wrestling.
Randy Orton: You know we’ll go top four.
Adam Copeland: Yeah, we’re always on the same side of the bracket, and you know how that always goes for me.
Randy Orton: You win sometimes.
Adam laughed.
Adam Copeland: I suppose I do.
Randy Orton: I think you’re pissed that Jericho got yet another rub and…
Adam Copeland: No, no… I mean, Jericho deserves it. It’s just…
Randy Orton: You want to be King of the Ring.
Adam Copeland: I do. I want to be King of the Ring. I want to not have to face the Miz for at least three more months.
He chuckled.
Adam Copeland: The fact that you had to come out there and save my ass against Miz…
Randy Orton: You were expecting a straight up wrestling match. He brought in a chair. Caught you by surprise.
Adam Copeland: That’s what I get for trusting people. Or at least, expecting Miz to come out and actually wrestle. But you know what, I’m not sure why I’d expect more from him. You know why he did what he did? It’s because he isn’t better than me. He knew he couldn’t pin me, so he had to resort to that. Everyone in the locker room has fallen for this schtick for years, Randy.
Randy nodded.
Adam Copeland: Oh, look at Mike. Mike has really turned over a new leaf. Mike is a really nice guy. Mike is so fun to be around. But each and every time he panders to the fans. Each and every time you think he might actually be trying to be somebody worth a damn, he resorts to these same old tricks. This same old nonsense. And each and every time we are left disappointed but not surprised. He really, truly believes his own hype. He really truly believes that I’m so sad that we’re no longer ‘bros’.
Randy Orton: You never even really liked him!
Adam Copeland: Right? Like Nikki and Wes thought he was alright, so okay… but where it got really personal was Trish and Mickie. They were friends, and Mickie is a fuckin’ see ya next Tuesday.
Randy Orton: Nicole would scold you if she heard you say that.
Adam Copeland: Well she isn’t here. I’m just confused. I mean, we got along, but it’s not like YOU turned on me. Who gives a shit? He does this when the crowd thinks he’s stale. Gotta give Dr. Clemente to put his ass on some bi-polar meds or some shit. The guy doesn’t even know who he is. Out here blaming his losses on STRATEGY. He’s a straight up shitty wrestler. He can talk on a microphone. That’s how he got where he is today. It sure as fuck wasn’t that derpy face.
Randy Orton: I don’t think I’ve seen you this angry in a long time.
Adam Copeland: I’m pissed, Randy. This motherfucker is out here with his revisionist history. He thinks just because he’s been here for 8 years shaking hands and kissing babies and turning on Ted DiBiase Jr, that he deserves legend status. He’s jealous, and he’s phony. He doesn’t get to say the shit he says. I have spent literally years forfeiting MY television time so ungrateful bastards like him could have the time of day. Still tearing up and down these roads doing house shows, just like you.
Randy Orton: That’s true.
Adam Copeland: He wants to act like I leave and come back and the drop of a hat, when I’ll I’ve ever done is this. I could have been on television any time I wanted to, Randy.
Randy Orton: I know that.
Adam Copeland: Creative would have blown their load if I wanted to be on TV every week. And this son of a bitch is out here running his mouth.
Randy Orton: Adam, I don’t think you’re depressed. I think you’re mad.
Adam seemed to think about this for a moment.
Adam Copeland: All this company has done is put him over. Put him over. Put him over. And this isn’t even the life he wanted. This has always been what I wanted to do. I’ve wanted to be a wrestler since before I could tie my own shoes. There was nothing that was going to get in my way, and I did it. I achieved it. My name is mentioned among the greatest of all time. Fucking Miz? Are you kidding me. He just wanted to be famous. He didn’t care how. He explored all possible avenues to fame, and because his scrawny ass could put together a promo he just landed right here in the middle of my dreams? Are you fucking kidding me?
Randy’s eyes were on the road, but he nodded knowingly.
Adam Copeland: Well, I’m not going to let him become my nightmare, Randy. I’m not going to let him end this tournament season for me. I know I don’t have many more of these left.
Randy Orton: I don’t like it when you talk like that.
Adam Copeland: It’s the truth though. I’m 46. It won’t last forever. And can you imagine how insufferable he’ll be if he wins the damn match. Let alone the tournament? No, I have to put a stop to it. I have to finish him tonight.
Randy Orton: I’ll take care of Grado. You take care of Miz.
Adam nodded. Randy wanted to ask Adam where his head was it. What would he do if he didn’t win? But asking that would let a bit of doubt in Adam’s minds, and Randy knew he didn’t need that right now.
Adam Copeland: He doesn’t deserve to be King of the Ring. I wouldn’t trust him to rule over a middle school play ground, let alone being the face of EBWF.
Randy saw their exit ahead and took it.
Adam Copeland: I don’t know, Randy. I don’t know if I’ll win the tournament. But I’m going to make damn sure. DAMN SURE. That Miz doesn’t.
Randy watched Adam reach for that water bottle again and turned the vehicle toward the arena, knowing that no matter what happened tonight they were both going to need that scotch.
