It's the Wrestlemania EBWF Access and Tama Tonga and Tanga Loa have just finished their autograph signing, they walked over to the interview tent where Cathy Kelley is stood setting up a link, before you know it, the Guerrillas of Destiny are stood next to her.
Cathy Kelley:
... and here are one of the teams vying for that number one contender spot for the EBWF Tag Team Championship, Guerrillas of Destiny - Hey, guys!
Tama Tonga:
Oh, Cathy, well you came, and you gave without taking…
Tanga Loa:
What are you doing?
Tama:
I’m singing, I’m excited brother, we’re here at EBWF access for the first time ever, I’m pumped.
Cathy:
I appreciate the serenading, Tama. Guys, tomorrow we will see a Tag Team TLC match, something we haven’t seen in some time in EBWF, especially in the tag team division, how do you guys feel about being in one of the most jam packed, exciting Wrestlemania's in EBWF’s history?
Tanga:
We’re super stoked, listen, Wrestlemania is a staple of EBWF, not only is it career defining but it’s also a huge part of history. Not only that but we’re honoured to be on this road of redefining the Tag Team division here in EBWF.
Tama:
Yeah, you see, over the past couple of years the the Tag Team division has been a bit stale, we all remember when a Tommy End and Michael Dante held the titles a few of years ago…
Tanga:
Yeah, what were they called? The Summery Hell Team? I mean, Summer is hell for their pale asses so I can get that.
Cathy:
I think you’ll find they were called The Sumerian Death Squad.
Tama:
Wait, really? Oh, my bad.
Tanga:
It doesn’t matter what they were called, they’re not here anymore and that’s what we’re trying to say. The last time the titles changed hands more than 5 times, was six years ago in 2015, since the Sumo Squad of whatever, Rated RKO have held the titles brilliantly, but the thing is, they’ve had their time.
Cathy:
Some would say, Randy Orton and Edge are in their prime, both at the top of the company and facing each other tomorrow for the World Championship. Are you sure their time is up.
Tama:
Cathy, we’re not saying their going to die, we just don’t think they have the gumption to want to hold the Tag Titles anymore, otherwise they’d be putting their titles on the line more often, y’know.
Tanga:
Look, we’re not trying to take anything away from them, they’re good guys, amazing wrestlers, great people, hell, EBWF probably wouldn’t be here without them, but you gotta look at the bigger picture, why aren’t there more Tag Teams in EBWF? Like proper World Class Tag Teams, y’know like the guys who have known each other for years, the guys who have lived together, the guys who used to kick each other in the balls before there were balls to kick. Why are those guys not here? Well, I’ll tell you. They’re scared.
Tama:
That’s right. Cathy, let me bring you in on a little secret… They’re scared.
Tanga:
Bro, what the… I just said that.
Tama thought for a minute and looked back at his friend.
Tama:
I’m sorry bro, got caught in the moment. Cathy, why are they scared I hear you ask…
Cathy:
I didn’t as-
Tama:
… Because Rated RKO have held the titles for over a year, they are 3 time Tag Team Champions, but they go against the grain of what you’d think of when you think of World Class Tag Teams, for some reason, people think that those world class Tag Teams have to have grown up together, have had to live together, but Randy and Edge didn’t - but they worked hard to get to where they wanted to go, because they manufactured their work ethic and chemistry themselves. All by themselves, it came naturally to them, and that’s why they’re top of the pile, faces of the company, because what they do, and who they are, makes everyone scared to face them. If they can build a world class tag team like that, they’re unstoppable.
Tanga:
Or so people think. Remember Tama asked why those self proclaimed world class tag teams aren’t here? They are scared of Rated RKO, they’re scared that they’re not as good as they think, but the thing is, they haven’t even tried, that’s the problem, people don’t try these things before saying it’s impossible, who’s to say beating Rated RKO is impossible, who’s tried it? No one I know, and that’s the thing, we are hoping nothing goes wrong tomorrow night, when we win the TLC match against Grimes and Ciampa and The Coalitions’ version of Big Bird and Elmo, Kane and Maven, because we want to be in the shape of our lives when we go toe to toe with Rated RKO.
Cathy:
Talking about the match tomorrow, how are you feeling going up against Kane and Maven an-
Tanga:
Let’s stop you right there, let’s talk about one at a time, shall we. Tama, y’know who The Coalition reminds me of?
Tama:
I don’t bro, who?
Tanga:
The Oddities.
Tama:
The odd-a-who?
Tanga:
The Oddities, they were nominated for a EBWF Slammy Award in 2012 for Best Stable, it was Paul Birchill, Giant Silva, Great Khali and some other guy.
Tama:
I don’t see what you’re getting at…?
Tanga:
Looks like I’m going to explain it to you, Cathy and the entire EBWF Universe. What is The Coalition? Well, they are a stable, okay, with an array of personnel, with an array of different skills and attributes, decades of experience, a common goal… Oh, wait, no… I’m describing The Bálor Club. The Coalition may have decades on us, that doesn’t make them better, barring Alexa Bliss because The Bálor Club doesn’t spend our time wrestling colourful-haired pixies. The Coalition is nothing more than a half assed wrestling union. It’s where wrestlers go when they’re all tired and disheveled, aww, Kane forgot his zimmerframe this morning, let’s just borrow Jeff’s while he is taking his mid day nap in his favourite chair, let’s not forget Maven who is practicing his lines in the bathroom mirror for his next big A list packed hollywood movie starring Steven Seagal, Stephen Baldwin and Lacey Chabert. The last time I saw a mismatch like this that I don’t want to be a part of, Tama dropped his freshly made soft taco into a pile of dog shit.
Tama:
That was gonna be a tasty taco though.
Tanga:
and look, guys I’m not trying to be mean here, but we’re wrestlers right, our aim is to Wrestle and that’s what we do, we beat people up, we risk our bodies every time we step into that ring, but I don’t know, I’m looking at The Coalition and I struggle to see where you guys even link up, what is your common goal, I mean, The Bálor Club formulated here because of you, so that’s one good thing that came about from it and we have grown so much, I mean, Raven is going to walk out of Wrestlemania a champion nonetheless so that’s huge, but apart from that, there isn’t much about you. Who’s your leader? Alexa? Christian? Jeff? You baffle me, and not in the good way, and on Sunday, we are going to show you that you really shouldn’t be up here with the big guns.
Cathy:
You mentioned Raven, how is he heading into his match this weekend?
Tama:
Cathy, Raven is Raven. He knows what to do, he’s like a second father to us in The Bálor Club, he really deserves this chance he is getting on Sunday and he will show the whole EBWF universe why Raven is a force to be reckoned with.
Cathy:
Tanga, how is Finn Bálor feeling after losing in the semi final to The Miz.
Tanga:
I’m not going to stand here and say Finn isn’t bothered by what happened last night, Finn knows his mistakes. I’m not going to bash the leader of our team, Finn is a remarkable wrestler and everyone knows that, he will pick himself up and get back on that road, he spoke to us this morning and this afternoon, gauging our thoughts going into the match, we’re going for dinner after this so, yeah, he’s fine, he’ll be watching on Sunday, that’s for sure.
Cathy:
Finally, we’ve spoken about nearly all the wrestlers in your life at the moment, but two guys we haven’t spoken about and who are just as important, your other opponents on Sunday, Ciampa and Grimes, what are your thoughts on them?
Tanga:
That’s the thing Cathy, there isn’t much to think about, I mean, call us naive but we’ve missed a couple of warfares these past couple of months and we haven’t really been able to see really what Ciampa and Grimes are about, I mean, don’t get me wrong we’ve seen them especially last week when they got beat by Rated RKO, now most people will say “oh, he was distracted.” If you’re being distracted by a balding, chubby, fifty-five year old, I think you should reevaluate your career. I mean in a couple of years that’s going to be all of The Coalition.
Tama and Tanga laughed with each other.
Tama:
When they say distracted… I think they mean because Paul Heyman grabbed his foot.
Tanga:
Bro, in my career I’ve been caught on the ropes so many times, I’ve fallen over steps, I’ve tripped over wires, I’ve never once turned around to the rope and stared at it intensely going “what are you doing?” treat everything on the outside of the ring like a rope. Use it to your advantage or not but don’t be a victim to it. Focus on what’s between the ropes, keep your eye on the prize and never let go.
Tama:
From what we saw on Monday, you’ve got skill, you’re both talented. There’s no denying that, but you lost to Rated RKO, and on Sunday, we’re going to show you why we are and should be the new number one contenders. Ciampa, hella respect for you bro, you’re phenomenal, truly and you have so much rawness about you in exciting to watch, Grimes, you’re passionate and exuberant and artistic in the way you flow, I can categorically say that Sunday will be a pleasure wrestling with you, we’re gonna give the Wrestlemania crowd something they will never forget.
Cathy:
Thank you for your time, gentlemen. See you tomorrow.
The Guerrillas of Destiny walked off shot as the segment ended.
* * * * *
It is the Wrestlemania Pre-Show and the first match has already finished, The Guerillas of Destiny were backstage, they had just looked at a clip from a house show earlier on in the week where Maven and Kane were talking about them. They walked up to a producer and tapped him on the shoulder.
Tama:
Bro, hey man, look, I know this is Wrestlemania and everything is organised to a tee, but we want to speak, honestly we won’t make it too long, but we want to speak to the universe sometime before our match.
Producer:
Sorry, guys, we’re so tight for time right now, I’m not sure what we can do.
Tanga:
Listen Ethan.
Producer:
It’s David.
Tanga:
David… We just want to speak to the crowd before we go out.
Producer:
Okay… I have a seven minute spot, you can fill it instead of going to a segment about a new TV series.
Tanga:
Yeah, sure, when?
Producer:
Now. Go now.
Tanga and Tama looked at each other and made their way to the guerrilla position.
Producer called into a radio, “Schedule changed, let G.O.D speak freely.” He said and they received saying they would be fine and walked out when their music started playing.
"G.O.D. (Firing Squad)" hit and the crowd erupted as the entrance video came on the screen with Bálor Club insignia featured prominently. Tama Tonga and Tanga Loa walked out onto the ramp. They made their way down to the ring as the crowd cheered in the background. They stepped into the ring, fully dressed in their Balor Club merch; they stood in the ring with their mics.
"G.O.D. (Firing Squad)" hit and the crowd erupted as the entrance video came on the screen with Bálor Club insignia featured prominently. Tama Tonga and Tanga Loa walked out onto the ramp. They made their way down to the ring as the crowd cheered in the background. They stepped into the ring, fully dressed in their Balor Club merch; they stood in the ring with their mics.
Tanga Loa:
We don’t care if you cheer, or if you boo, for we are the sons of HAKU. Born out of lightning and thunder, step to us and we’ll bury you six feet under. Turn your ass into grass because I am the super bad, TANGA LOA… and THAT.
He said as he pointed to Tama Tonga, kneeling on the floor now, with his arms spread out in the winged position.
Tanga Loa:
Is the bad boy, my brother, TAMA TONGA, and we are the G. O. “suck on that motherfucking”...
Tama:
Woah, woah, woah, brother… Brother… We can’t say that anymore…
The crowd boo’d in the background and Tama settled them down.
Tama:
Hey, hey, chill guys, chill… We can’t say that anymore… Maven said so.
The crowd laughed.
Tanga:
Maven. Listen buddy, we are making a joke about the acronym of our name, but we get it... We know the only joke you’re used to is your career.
Tama:
... and by the way, saying “I’m not homophobic” before saying something homophobic doesn’t make what you’re saying not homophobic, you get me? Wind your neck in, before we have to do it for you.
Tanga:
Exactly, listen guys, we’re not being overly progressive here, we’re just being honest, using gay as a slur is fucking derogatory, Maven, whatever respect I had for you last week, which you can probably tell wasn’t much, has all but surely gone. You can’t bash us for our successes or our in ring skill so you go about making a mockery out of innocent communities just for shock value, oooh, edgy, but listen here. Your attempt at pissing us off, has worked, we don’t stand for that shit. Anyone can suck on our D’s because we are the G.O.D. You get me, brother.
Tama:
Bro! Did you see the Big Red Monster, Kane, spewing some shit too, man I forgot he could talk. I mean, he never speaks to his constituents so I’m hella’ surprised he decided to speak then. At least he wasn’t bashing a minority, hey.
Tanga:
That’s true, I’m sure they’re getting ready to say something about our heritage next time they come out of that cave they hide in. Kane, my brother, are your knees okay, sir? Can you even get up a ladder? Do you need me to man the ladder so you don’t fall off and break your hip. Alright, enough fun from us, look, The Coalition has about as much chemistry as Jared Leto and the DC company. You’re all so one dimensional, it's like Alexa Bliss is your puppet master, and you’re all little Pinnochios dancing on the end of a string. Grow up, grow some balls and maybe come back to work when you're actually good at your job.
Tama:
Now this brings us on to Ciampa and Grimes. We don’t know you guys that well, we’ve watched what we can but to be honest my guys, you’re enigmas. Not charismatic enigmas but you’re enigmas nonetheless. You’re floating under the radar at the moment and we can see that, but you’re gonna be good and I know for a fact that we’re going to be facing each other plenty of times in the future.
Tanga:
Yes, that’s right, my little hobbiton friends, my bearded fellows, you came to us at the right time, because we have been looking for some meaningful competition, isn’t that right, Tama?
Tama:
That’s right.
Tanga:
Yeah, I’ve been watching you two for years. You’re something special, the both of you, I never would have thought that you’d be a tag team though, and we aren’t sure about your chemistry, but guys, you’re some mean sons of a gun.
Tama:
No, that’s the other tag team.
Tanga:
No, stupid, I didn’t mean it literally, I’m saying, they’re hard guys. Tough, resilient, powerful, just unfortunately, you’ve got to go up against a prime cut valued Tag Team like us, The Guerillas of Destiny.
Tama:
Now, ladies and gentlemen, friends and foes, we gotta get ready for our match this evening, but I know for a fact you’ll have one hell of a show tonight. Enjoy it, and we’ll see you later.
Their entrance music played and they left the ring and made their way to the back.
