We're really glad that you're our friend, and this is a friendship that will never, ever end!
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt opened the door into the Firefly Funhouse set, wearing his signature maroon sweater, black jeans, and black "hurt/heal" gloves. He clapped gleefully, jumping up and down as the camera panned onto the set of the Firefly Funhouse. The piped in sound of children cheering and applauding Bray filled the room. Bray's smile could not be any wider, or more disturbing.
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: Welcome! WELCOME MY FIREFLIES! What an exciting time it is to be alive in the world of EBWF!
Cheering again.
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: We've got an amazing show lined up for you, kids! We're so close, so close! Our time has almost arrived. Here we are, in the great city of Boston, Massachusetts, and the final form of Bray Wyatt takes its place in the EBWF pantheon. The EBWF World Championship is soon going to be hanging on the walls of the Firefly Funhouse, kids!
Loud applause as Bray grinned maniacally.
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: But you may ask, kids. What makes me so confident?
The collective voice of children yelled back, "What?"
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: It's important that you all understand this.
Bray pulled a chair out, faced it backwards, and sat down on it.
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: Part of my confidence is the fact that I believe in myself. And when you believe in yourself, you can achieve anything! You can climb mountains, ace your book reports, win at sports! Heck, you can even beat your opponent and leave him laying in a pool of his own blood and tears!
He clapped happily at the thought.
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: But you know what really gives me the confidence I need to be successful against the Miz at Fallout? Do you really want to know what drives me, and keeps me going? Friendship!
He laughed gleefully again, standing up from his chair.
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: And that's the theme of our show tonight, kids! Friendship! Wrestlers in the EBWF, like the Miz, will tell you that you don't NEED friendship. That having friends is a sign of weakness. But no, I disagree. Friends are important! They help keep you grounded. Help you laugh, cry, and feel! Friendship is the most important thing in this world, and separates us from the demons that infest this world.
Bray Wyatt smiled unnervingly, glancing into the lens of the camera and giving it a subtle wink.
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: But do you know what really defines a great friendship? Trust. Trusting your friends means knowing that they have your back. That they will support you when you need it most! Kids, do you have a friend in your life that you trust?
The kids cheered loudly. Bray smiled happily and clapped.
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: That's so great to hear! I too have a friend that I trust to have my back, and support me. A man that will be my ally until the end of time. Right, buddy?!
The camera panned around the set, but the set had no one but Bray on it. He put his hands over his mouth in a gesture of embarrassment.
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: Oh, silly me! I need to let him in! Ladies and gentlemen, my best friend!
Bray walked over to the door and opened it, disappearing behind the wall quickly. With a light grunt picked up by his microphone, Bray appeared from behind the door, pulling a chair on wheels out onto the set. Securely duct taped to the chair was the advocate and manager of the current EBWF World Champion.
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: Everyone, give a big "Hi there and hello!" to EBWF's very own Paul Heyman!
Paul struggled and made muffled grunts as he desperately tried to talk through the duct tape that had been placed over his mouth. His wild eyes conveyed that of desperation and fear. Bray smiled and patted him on the head.
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: And the most important part is - Paul Heyman is MY best friend!
His smile curled into something slightly more sinister than his kid-friendly countenance typically showed. He got down onto one knee so that he was eye level with the frightened manager of the Miz.
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: Shhhh, my friend! Aren't you happy to see me?! Aren't you happy to see your friend who will soon be the new EBWF World Champion?!
Bray chuckled as he lightly tapped his open palm across Paul's cheek a few times. Paul responded with a few panicked and muffled noises. A wild, beaty look in his eyes suggested he was frightened beyond measure.
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: That's what I like about you, Paul. You always know what to say, and you always know when to remain silent. That's what friends are best at! Lifting you up when you need to be lifted, and keeping you steady when you need to be grounded. Right now... I need you to lift me up, Paul. I need you to tell all my Fireflies at home why they should be positively excited for me to be the new EBWF World Champion!
With a not-at-all pleasant ripping noise, Funhouse Bray abruptly pulled the duct tape off of Paul's mouth, causing him to shriek with pain, his arms and legs and torso still bound to the chair.
Paul Heyman: HELP! SOMEBODY HELP!
Bray rolled his eyes and placed the duct tape back over Paul's mouth.
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: No, no, my dear friend. That's not how we act at all in front of the kids!
Bray wildly gestured towards the camera, and the piped in noises of children cheering filled the set once again. Paul looked around, flabbergasted.
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: You see...I know what you're thinking, Paul. You're wondering why you're here instead of booking interview deals and signing sponsorship agreements for your new Paul Heyman Guy. Aren't you? And before I take this off to let you answer, remember: No one can hear you. Except these wonderful children, of course!
Bray clapped and smiled as the sound of cheering children ramped back up. He slowly pulled the duct tape covering Heyman's mouth, this time taking more care to not to take all of Paul's upper lip hair with it.
Paul Heyman: You... you were supposed to be gone. Last week, you...
Bray laughed maniacally and spun the chair around so that he was staring Paul in the face, eye to eye. The maniacal look Bray gave Paul made the advocate shudder in fear.
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: You silly goose! The show never stops! Just because I let the Eater of Worlds come out and play last week, doesn't mean that I'm not going to have my time. Oh no, I will have my time, Paul...
Bray leaned closer towards Paul.
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: And not only me, but him as well.
Bray smiled as the look of realization arrived on Paul's face.
Paul Heyman: But you mean that...
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: Oh yes, he will come out and play as well Paul! And who knows? Maybe I'll let him take the wheel at Fallout.
Paul's mouth dropped open as the implication of Bray's words dawned on him.
Paul Heyman: No, Bray, listen to me. You can't let him out! If you do that, you'll...
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: Oh, Paulie, Paulie, Paulie.
Bray clicked his tongue in admonishment.
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: Tsk, tsk. You're being a really bad friend, you know that? The Miz would be absolutely ashamed if he saw this! He's your friend too, am I right? I mean, if it weren't for me, for us, The Miz would never have been EBWF World Champion in the first place! We'd still be talking about Randy Orton and his 307th record as a champion! I've seen how you talk about the Miz, when he's around. I've seen how you lift him up and make him feel like he's the only champion in the entire world! That's what good friends do, Paulie! And that's what you're going to do for me.
Paul Heyman: Wha-what do you mean? I'm a-I'm a very good friend to you, Bray!
Bray shook his head. He wagged his finger at Paul accusingly.
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: Paulie, if there's one thing that we do not tolerate here on the Firefly Funhouse, it's a liar, am I right kids?!
The children cheered loudly as Bray placed his hands on Paul's chest and shoved him hard, sending his wheeled office chair careening into a table behind him, back first. The chair crashed against the table and Paul winced.
Paul Heyman: What do you want from me?!
Funhouse Bray walked back towards Paul and patted him on the shoulder.
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: I just want to be friends, Paul! That's all! But you need to understand how you hurt my feelings. You and the Miz got very confident that you were done with me. Heck, you even went out there with the Miz and gleefully talked about me like I'm just a big, fat loser.
The sound of children booing made Paul flinch a little.
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: Seriously, Paul! You just sat there while the Miz called me fat, and made fun of my body. That hurts my feelings. What did I ever do to you, Paulie?
A look of realization dawned on Paul, and he looked up at Funhouse Bray with the most affected expression of remorse that he could muster.
Paul Heyman: Bray, please listen to me. I would never say anything like that about you. I mean look at me! Rated RKO calls me a penguin most of the time! I'm no one to be judging someone's body composition! I promise I would never--
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: Shhh. It's okay, Paulie! I forgive you.
His look turned to one of surprise.
Paul Heyman: You... forgive me?
Bray chuckled and patted Paul Heyman on the head again.
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: Of course I do, you silly goose! I just wanted you to know how The Miz's words made me feel. They made me feel sad, Paulie! And you were just there to support your friend The Miz. I understand that! As the manager or ahem... advocate for the soon-to-be-former EBWF World Champion, I know that you were just helping to raise him up and make him feel better about himself. That's what good friends do! That's what people do who trust each other.
Paul Heyman: I-I agree whole heartedly, Bray! We should trust each other! I mean, since we're trusting each other, do you think you could cut me loose out of this chair?
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: So here's what I want to do next, Paul.
Bray grabbed the back of the chair and pulled it back towards the center of the set, dragging Paul with him. Paul sighed heavily.
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: I think this is the perfect time for us to heal our friendship and reestablish that trust that you and I started with. You remember those days, Paul? When you brought me in to deal with that very particular problem you had with Randy Orton and Edge? How you trusted me to take care of that business any way I saw fit? You and I were the best of friends, then! You would talk to anyone who'd listen about how great a competitor I am, and how I would lay waste to literally everyone in my way.
Bray's voice started to grow darker and more sinister.
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: It was a good time. Wherever you pointed me... blood would soon follow. Violence in excess. Innocent souls were hurt. People were never the same. It was all so much fun!
Bray aggressively grabbed Paul's jaw and forcibly turned his head to face Bray. Bray's eyes were wild and feral.
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: I was your champion. I was your monster! I was the demon you unleashed upon this world. But you got greedy. You got complacent. You saw the Miz, a man who's very soul is the definition of averageness and you saw your opportunity to hitch your wagon to him when he was already getting an opportunity at championship gold. That...
Bray again lightly smacked Paul's cheek a few times.
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: That was not. very. nice.
Paul Heyman: Please, Bray! I'm so sorry! I would never say anything mean about you! We can be friends again, I can be your advocate again, you just have to let me go!
Bray laughed maniacally.
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: Don't worry, Paulie! I won't be here for much longer, and then you can go wherever you like!
Paul's shoulders relaxed just slightly, feeling like he had an assurance that Bray would release him.
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: But right now, I want to give you the opportunity to make it up for me.
Bray turned the chair so that Paul's face was directly in front of the main camera. Bray looked into the camera as he pointed at it, addressing Paul.
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: I want you to look into that camera right there and tell the world that I'm going to defeat the Miz at Fallout. I want you to tell the world that I will be the new EBWF World Champion, and it's all because of you!
Paul Heyman: I--I don't want to...
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: Now now, Paulie. This is your opportunity to be friends with me again! I promise, once we're done with this, I will forgive you. Okay? Just be honest with our Fireflies, and all will be water under the bridge.
Paul slowly nodded.
Paul Heyman: Uh, okay.
Paul looked into the camera slowly, glancing back at Funhouse Bray periodically as he stuttered through his promo.
Paul Heyman: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul...Heyman. And I represent a man who can never be defeated by a normal human being. I represent a man who has terrorized and victimized everyone in his path. A man who will...
Paul swallowed.
Paul Heyman: ...defeat the reigning, defending, undisputed EBWF World Champion, The Miz. He is the Funhouse Ringmaster, the new face of fear... Bray... Wyatt.
Bray clapped wildly, jumping up and down and clearly loving every minute of that.
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: Oh my gosh, oh my gosh that was so good! Keep going!
Paul sighed.
Paul Heyman: As Bray's advocate, it was I who negotiated the presence of the Eater of Worlds in the Elimination Chamber match last week. Not because I thought he would be a pushover for the Miz to easily beat at Fallout - but because I thought that Wyatt would do so much damage to the other five competitors, that there would literally be no one to challenge for the EBWF World Championship at Fallout. I never expected that Bray's... other personality would show. One that has no loyalty to me or my brand. The reality is that my decision to lobby for Bray Wyatt in the Chamber was a gamble. One that did not pay off. Because now I am forced to reckon with the terrifyingly real possibility that Bray Wyatt could walk out of Fallout as the new EBWF World Champion. A fact that should shock you, and frighten you in equal parts. I had hoped that it would never get this far. I had hoped that Bray would simply lay waste to everyone in the chamber, and then go back to his normal business without getting involved in the EBWF World title picture.
Paul looked up at Bray pensively.
Paul Heyman: And it seems I made a grave miscalculation.
Bray grinned and rubbed his hands together in anticipation.
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: Oh, it's going to be so exciting, Paulie! You're absolutely right! You miscalculated. I would dare go as far as to say the entire world miscalculated! Even you, Miz! You're the king on the chess board right now, and you feel like you've got all the protection in the world. You've positioned your pieces all around you, keeping you safely locked away behind those pawns you wrestled with last week, your bishop...
Bray patted Heyman on the head.
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: And even your lovely Queen. But all of those better minds that you've shrouded yourself with have all but illuminated one scary reality for you...
Bray smiled.
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: That you are, and have always been, the weakest link in the chain. Making yourself a Paul Heyman guy, surrounding yourself with your old buddies, these things have exposed you in ways you have not yet realized. You spent a lot of time talking about how big I am, or how dirty I am, or how I'm not as scary as I look. Well if I'm being honest with you, I don't think I look that scary at all! I am a smart man. An athletic man. And maaaaayybe I enjoy a Nesquik every now and again, but I am still every bit the competitor in that ring that you are. And I have one thing in my arsenal that you will never have, Mizzy.
Paul looked up at Bray as Bray smiled unsteadily into the camera. Bray's voice was low and raspy.
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: I have... the power of fear, Miz. It's a power you don't understand because you've never felt it in your life. Your ego won't let you. But you will at Fallout. I... promise it. Just like your best friend here!
Paul's eyes widened.
Paul Heyman: But...b-but you said you'd forgive me and let me go after I did this!
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: Oh, I do forgive you, Paulie! I really do! But there's just one more person that you're going to need to square things away with.
Paul Heyman: W-who?!
Bray's head craned down towards Paul, and a look of horror dawned on the advocate's face.
Paul Heyman: No...
Bray shrugged with a grin and snapped his fingers, and the lights went out entirely, plunging the entire set into pitch darkness. A faint light illuminated Paul's face as he looked around, the camera zooming in on his features. Heyman felt something to his left and turned to look. The camera panned slightly left to reveal the distorted features of the Fiend's visage.
Paul Heyman: AAAAHHHH--
Fade to black
