Coleman's Pulpit ep. 1

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TheDynasty
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Coleman's Pulpit ep. 1

Post by TheDynasty »

Alex Marvez is shown approaching members of The Dynasty backstage.

Alex Marvez: MJF, Jade, do you have a moment?

Jade: Richard, tell this peasant to get out of my way.

Richard: Get out of here Marvez!

MJF: Yeah, get out of here Marvez! We have a real interview to get to, no more of your biased horseshit.

They push their way past and walk out of shot. A few moments later the scene opens on a printed backdrop depicting the stained-glass windows of a church. A man stands behind a lectern positioned in front of the backdrop.

Caprice: Hahahaha! Heaven high! This is Coleman’s Pulpit. I’m your host, Caprice Coleman, THE most versatile man in this sport today and like always on the Pulpit, I find out the truth and the truth will help you see. This week, I have three very special guests joining me: The leader of The Dynasty, Maxwell Jacob Friedman, The Dynasty’s newest member, Jade Cargill and the Most Marketable Man in Professional Wrestling, Richard Holliday.

The Coleman’s Pulpit logo is shown on the screen, and when it cuts back to the studio, Caprice and his guests are sitting in armchairs.

Caprice: This week’s Warfare features a long-awaited barbed wire match between Stone Cold Steve Austin and my guest here today, MJF. MJF, this match was originally booked for Christmas Eve of Destruction, but did not end up taking place due to a rather brutal injury you sustained at a Starbuck’s coffee shop. Am I remembering that right?

MJF: You are indeed Caprice. See, I was out walking the streets of the greatest place on Earth, Long Island, New York, when I saw some average joes doing construction work on the sidewalk. Now, me being the salt of the earth champion of the people that I am, I thought I’d treat them to a drink, you know, some joes for the Joes. So I went into Starbucks, but I tripped a step and fell forward, my hands landing inside a hipster’s Macbook Air that I’m sure contained some failure of a screenplay or other, and he slammed the Macbook closed on both of my hands. He then went on to explain that he was a Stone Cold Steve Austin fan, and that he was deliberately injuring me, despite my good deed for the construction workers, because he knew that Stone Cold couldn’t beat me in a fair fight.

Caprice: That’s terrible, Max! But luckily, you weren’t cleared to compete, so Austin wasn’t able to take advantage of his fan’s heinous assault on you.

MJF: Fortunately Richard’s lawyer slash father arranged for a medical professional to check me out, and he determined that I wasn’t fit to fight Austin at the antisemitic Pay-Per-View, you are correct. Quick note to Wes, I’m still waiting on the announcement of Hannukah Havoc 2022, I’m just saying.

Caprice: It does seem strange that we can have Christmas Eve of Destruction, and I can have all this for the pulpit, but we don’t have any Jewish events, I agree.

MJF: It is a travesty indeed, but that’s a topic for another day. Today I’m here to talk about Steve Austin. The man who has violently attacked other Dynasty members and myself on numerous occasions, who has twice asked for a barbed wire match against me.

Caprice: Didn’t he also try to run you over?

MJF: That’s what the cameras showed Caprice, even if he isn’t man enough to admit it.

Caprice: Some people have accused you of hiding from Austin since he announced this match. After your victory in Long Island, you were nowhere to be seen last week. Did the announcement of the barbed wire rematch rattle you?

MJF: Not at all, I just refuse to appear in Virginia. You see, I have standards. I love being in New York, especially Long Island, but even though I’ll slum it in Shitcago or Philahellphia, I have to draw the line somewhere, and Virginia is that line. I don’t do Podunk dumpster fires full of trailer park trash, which is why I would have normally given Greensboro a miss if not for the fact that Austin chose this dungpile as his location of choice. I knew flies were attracted to shit, but apparently shit is equally attracted to shit, who woulda thunk it? Sure, I could have tried to change the date, postpone it again, but enough’s enough. We have a tournament coming up, and I need to clean Austin from the bottom of my shoe so I can focus on more important matters.

Caprice: Do you think you stand a chance of winning?

MJF: Of course I’m going to win, Caprice. Despite the fact that Austin chose the time, the place, the stipulation – and because I’m a good sport, I’m going to honor the stipulation that he has chosen for this match. I won’t be ignoring it and moving the goalposts mid-match like other people do when stipulations are chosen. I’m going to allow Austin to have his barbed wire ropes, his barbed wire chairs, barbed wire two-by-fours…and then I’m going to use every last one of them to tear the flesh from his bones and spill his blood all over the Coliseum, all over Greensboro, hell, all over North Carolina. We’re gonna be in the Coliseum, Steve. The venue that’s seen legends like Ric Flair and Dusty Rhodes, yet when I’m done with you, the fans will realise that until tonight, they’d never truly seen a man bleed. I’m gonna make you squeal like a stuck pig so loudly that your boyfriend JR will hear you from Oklahoma and get his BBQ sauce ready.

Caprice: Maxwell Jacob Friedman sounding very focused ahead of his barbed wire match there, and now I’m going to move on to my second guest, who will also be competing tonight, Jade Cargill. Now Jade, you face Becky Lynch tonight…

Jade: Caprice, let me stop you right there. I don’t care about Becky Lynch, because THAT BITCH is gonna stomp all over Becky Lynch, you feel me? That’s all I got to say about that.

Jade goes back to using her smartphone and Richard Holliday groans as Coleman’s Pulpit goes off air.
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