Dynastic News

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TheDynasty
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Joined: Thu Nov 18, 2021 3:27 pm

Dynastic News

Post by TheDynasty »

OOC: apologies for lack of colour and any formatting issues in this week's posts. I'm without a laptop because it's getting repaired, so stuck using phone.

A “Dynastic News” logo rotates in the center of the screen before exploding in a swirl of fire and debris. The camera fades in on a luxurious television news studio, with a Burberry-checked backdrop. Behind a long desk sits Maxwell Jacob Friedman and Richard Holliday, dressed in expensive suits and shuffling some papers.

MJF: Welcome to Dynastic News, a show that doesn’t have to worry about measly budget concerns because we breathe rarefied air. Hell, we even hired Michael Bay to direct our title sequence. This week we will be discussing the future of the King of the Ring tournament, and sports entertainment in general, and the reason Randal Keith Orton has no part to play in either, namely yours truly, Maxwell Jacob Friedman.

Richard: Because you’re better than him, and he knows it?

MJF: You’re darn tootin’. We will also be running an exposé about Wes Ikeda’s hatred for Judaism, as he continues to refuse to give us the Hanukkah Havok Pay-Per-View that you are all dying to see. But first, over to Alex Kane with the weather report.

The camera cuts to Alex Kane standing in front of a map of the state of Kentucky.

Alex: On Monday Evening, The Dynasty will be MAKING IT RAIN in Louisville, Kentucky as MJF, Ace Austin and Jade Cargill BREEZE past the competition into the next rounds of the King and Queen of the Ring competitions. Prepare for FOWL weather as the chicken known as Christian Cage folds under the pressure, and Alexa Bliss better pack a clean pair of THUNDERwear because a storm is coming. Back to you guys…

The camera returns to our two wonderful anchors.

Richard: So Max, this week Warfare will be coming to these fine consumers from the KFC Yum! Arena in Louisville.

MJF: Yes Richard, just when I thought that EBWF couldn’t get any classier or raise its standards any higher when it comes to the target demographic, Wes booked us into the KFC Yum! Center…in Louisville, Kentucky…hell, just Kentucky in general.

Richard: Personally I think it should be called the KFC Bum Center, because everybody in Kentucky is a bum.

MJF: Good one. Don’t you find it ironic that Kentucky is a commonwealth when it’s not common to find wealth in this dirt-poor shitshow state?

Richard: I found wealthier people picking my coffee beans in Guatemala. And now a word from our sponsor.

An advertisement for Rarefied Air Coffee is shown, before we return to Richard Holliday with a ‘not-at-all product placement’ Dynastic Coffee mug taking pride of place on the desk.

Richard: Did you know that the Arena is next to the Ohio river? Why is called the Ohio river if we’re in Kentucky?

MJF: Because even rivers have standards. They’d rather be mid than associated with this dumpster fire.

Richard: I can’t fault KFC and Yum! For branding the arena though. That was a solid marketing strategy.

MJF: Well if there’s one thing the people of Kentucky understand well, and I know it’s difficult to believe that they understand anything well, but if they do, it’s chickenshit. In related news, Randal Keith Orton will be eliminated from the King of the Ring tournament tonight, as Maxwell Jacob Friedman outsmarts, outwrestles and outdoes him in every single way. Last week I faced a true up-and-comer, a skilled wrestler with an arsenal of suplexes and submissions that’s almost as well-stocked as our very own Suplex Assassin, and I ended his undefeated streak. Now I know that Randy will be quick to list off his accomplishments and titles, but as they say around these parts, it doesn’t amount to a hill of beans.

Richard: What does that even mean? Do you think they’re talking about Guatemalan coffee beans? (He holds up his mug and smiles directly into camera.) Rarefied Air, the only thing better than breathing it is drinking it.

MJF: To be honest Richard, I have no clue what that phrase even means, and I must say, I’m quite proud of that fact. One thing I do know, however, is that I’ll be whoopin’ Orton’s ass ‘til the cows come home. Randy has gotten too big for his britches. Sure, he used to be a big name, I loved watching him back when I was a child, but now he’s no bigger than a minnow in a fishing pond.

Richard: You’re sounding mighty southern, Max. Are you feeling okay?

MJF: No Richard, no I’m not. Trying to speak in a way that these uneducated hicks understand is actually making me pretty nauseous and making me want to go and shower in bleach to make myself feel clean again.

Richard: Well is there anything else you’d like you say before we go off-air?

MJF: Randy, I banged your mom last night, and I must admit, she was finger-lickin’good. Oh, and Wes, you’re antisemitic piece of crap. Give us Halloween, I mean…Hanukkah Havok. The people want it!

Richard: This is the end of the show consumerinos. I’ve been Richard Holliday…

MJF: And I’ve been Maxwell Jacob Friedman. And I’ve been better than you, and you’ve known it.

Better Than You plays as Dynastic News ends.
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